Last year I was taking a university course, sitting next to an friend and an Asian girl watching the professor introduce a dozen new glyphs and connecting them to specify a new calculus for communication processes. After the lecture the girl came up to us and asked a question about the material. My friend did not recognize her asking if I ever saw her in class... She sat next to one of us for 4 or 5 lectures by then. She said greeted us multiple times. He even greeted her back yet he did not recognize her. I asked him if he recognized the guy sitting in front of him during the lecture. He didn't know who I was talking about, After pointing him out, he still didn't know. Just a month ago that guy in front of us was a student assistant in another course. We have asked this student assistant a dozen questions during that course, yet he did not recognize him. It is one thing that he didn't notice that the girl is Chinese, or her having an expensive tablet or how she writes her digital notes on the margins of the slides pdf, but not recognizing her at all? This guy constantly doesn't remember basic information of previous lectures, even though he is the most studious one, taking as much notes as he can, and trying every homework question. He made several comments about me being smarter and having a better memory than him. I said that is not the case but stopped myself from finishing my though as the actual discrepancy is worse.

I have intense opinions on topics, whether it is inheritance tax, programming languages, media or anything related to my research field. People that do not have strong opinions on anything seem to me like emotionless shells sleepwalking though live, seeing grayscale instead of a wide color spectrum. When someone is interested in a topic they will form strong opinions on it. Whether that be programming or a conference talk. When I experience positive or negative feelings, the emotion connects me with the topic and forms memories in way neutrality can never can.

Imagine meeting someone with a strong opinion on wheels. Which shapes are better, why it found widespread use in Europe and not asia, how the radius effects the material choice. This person experiences this topic in way I won't. Even we had the same information on wheels, I would not experience this part of existence as interactive as him simply because of my lacking interest in the topic.

The reason why I remembered anything about the Chinese girl was because I was interested and was forming strong opinions about her. Seeing she had an expensive tablet I though she was probably a rich nepo baby. Looking at her display language to see if she is Japanese or Korean to match my interest of those languages. Thinking of how her weird note taking on the slides margins is stupid given limited space she can use. The fact that she was a cute asian girl did not hurt either. The reason why I recognized the student assistant in front of us was because of his weird eyelashes and strong blue eyes that I think look scary. The reason why I remember the lectures is because I form opinions about every part. Whether it is the syntax, the motivation or the proof construction. It is the only way how I know to truly adsorb material. Often those opinions are wrong but they are such great binders between my interest and emotions, formulating long lived memories.

While my friend... he sleepwalks through it all. Never having an opinion on the material other than if it is difficult or not. The type to only like easy questions just because they are easy and hating hard questions just because they are hard no matter the topic. I wish it was a question of intelligence. I personally can accept being dumber then someone, but having to accept that others experience the same topics on more emotional, visceral level. That their skills and memories are better because of their strong emotional connection to the topics. Well maybe it is easy to not care about what you care about.

Yet I often feel ashamed about it. I was at a conference listing to a talk taking notes on my laptop. Afterwards a colleague said something about me not finding the talk interesting. Why? well apparently he saw my notes which was paragraphs of critiques and comments about why it was dumb. To this day I can rant about how moronic that talk is, yet instead of explaining that my opinionated notes are the opposite of disinterested, I modulated my opinion removing all passion to not sound unhinged sounding actually disinterested. Why? I hate if when people are neutral and don't form strong opinions. Why am I so shy about having strong opinions. It is not that I am afraid to be wrong or to debate. I don't see a good reason to be like this.

From now on I will be proud of my strong opinion formation and actively work on curating them. While others sleepwalk through life as emotionless shells in a permanent emotionless pit, I am privileged to actively experience certain parts of life that others do not. Where others see a boring homework exercise, I see bright circles intersecting with countless options. Where others drink whatever chocolate milk the machine gives them, I memorize the locations of the real choco and the fake vegan machines and track down the company and email them for the ingredients list and nutrient info of the machines at my building.

Yes I grant you Somi, that choco email was kind of autistic but the point still stands. In a sense this whole project is an exercise in forming strong opinions on topics with, while the semi-public facing website acts as leverage to invoke stronger emotions with every word I write. See you later Somi.